Five steps to beating the Eels

With all the Sportsbet money (please gamble responsibly) riding on the Eels, all the talk is on how the Bulldogs will overcome the memories of their round 20 loss to Parra. SMH has published its secrets to success, but League Blog knows that this game isn’t about rugby skills and tactics – it’s about LEAGUE – so you can put all those “attack and defend” theories to rest.

League Blog’s 5-step plan to beating the Eels.

1. Eric Grothe Jnr defends on the right, and is notorious for coming up for an early hit on the centre when the ball is going wide. So the Bulldogs need to distract him to ensure he is a bit slow on the takeoff. I suggest placing a well-endowed woman in the crowd, wearing a Three Day Grothe t-shirt and flashing her chest every time the Bulldogs are inside the 20. Having ‘Eric’ painted in blue on one side of her bare chest, and ‘ROCKS’ in yellow on the other, will ensure Bryce Goodwin sneaks in for a hat-trick.

2. Nathan Hindmarsh prides himself on having the most prominent bum-crack in League. But the Bulldogs have a few guys with similar potential – Greg Eastwood and Ben Hannant to name two. If they drop their shorts at the back an inch or two, then Hindmarsh will be compelled to respond by dropping his even more. This will affect his mobility and create gaps in the midfield.

3. A few well-placed fish dropped around the ground before the game will distract Jesus Hayne, who will rip their heads off to psych himself up. The Dogs can even send Hayne's Fijian training camp buddy Daryl Millard out to join him. All that fish head eating will make Hayne's hands slippery, and he won’t be able to catch the ball. It will also make it easier for the Dogs to sniff out where Hayne is on the field.

4. The Eels have lately shown an ability to withstand early pressure, before bouncing back and smothering slime and electric shocks all over the other team. In order to confuse the Eels, the Dogs need to let them set up camp in their quarter during the first 15 minutes, preferably through a series of penalties from high shots, and then convince them through body language to take an early penalty. After this the Eels will fall into a peaceful slumber and a 22-2 Bulldogs victory will ensue.

5. Fui Fui Moi Moi appears unstoppable, but that's just because his achilles heel hasn't been found. Of course, like Samson, it's in his hair. Ideally it would be arranged for someone to sneak into Moi Moi's Fairfield abode during the night and cut it all off, but you'd have to be batshit insane to try something like that on Fui Fui. No, it will do just as well for a Bulldogs player to have a better hairdo than him. Jamal Idris is an obvious candidate. At the first sight of Idris with Jheri Curls, Moi Moi will be paralysed by embarassment at not having the best hair on the field, and will have to be hooked by Daniel Anderson.

Eastwood's Hero, Moi Moi's downfall?