Ode to Holdsworthy

Firstly, I'd like to apologise to my League Blog co-conspirator, and to our two or three loyal followers, for my unexplained disappearance this year. But visualising the headline, "Dog goes down on Raider", my interest was finally tweaked in what I thought was another excellent Bulldogs scandal, albeit one that might have done much for breaking down homophobic preconceptions in the League world.

But this made me think, why was I not interested in League this year? I could blame it on a new job, on the fact that our TV antennae doesn't work so I can't watch any games at home, on the Bulldogs' poor form, or on the fact that my Canadian wife is not enraptured with League unless the Rabbitohs are winning. But I won't. I'll blame it on these five things instead.

5. The Melbourne debacle. Forcing Melbourne to play for no points was one of the most ridiculous decisions I have ever seen. It was like watching a match refereed by Shane Hayne. As has been said countless times from more serious League sources, Melbourne should have been stripped of their current points, told to keep paying the players what they had been paying them, and forced to front a team whose total salary was below the salary cap. The remainders should have had to sit out the season or, more sensibly, a one-off trading window could have been opened for Melbourne to immediately sell players to other clubs. It soured the entire season for me. If I were Greg Inglis, I would have smashed someone high (best candidate would have been Joey Johns while he was doing sideline comments in Origin 3), been suspended for 14 weeks, and then just had a nice holiday for the remainder of the season.

4. Gus Gould. Obvious, but have to put him in there. Doesn't Channel 9 realise that having him commentate games makes people turn the TV off? Leave him for pre/post/halftime comments and analysis to push his repititious and tedious agendas.

3. The Adjudicator. I don’t know when foxsports turned from a decent website with decent stories, to a jumbled mess of idiots writing ridiculous posts, and other idiots responding to them. I want to read well-considered serious articles that touch on the heart of footy. If I wanted to read that kind of guff, I would turn to League Blog.

2. Redemption. I hate redemption, especially when it's redemption from dropping one in a hotel corridor, or pissing on someone at a pub. And especially when it involves the Roosters.

1. Daniel Holdsworthy. I miss him. I miss his terrible passing. I miss his wayward kicking. I miss his loose tackling. Come back Daniel. Just not to the Bulldogs.

And the Rugby League Gods pick...

The Rugby League Gods are nothing if not inscrutable. LB should know, we tried to scrute them last year and then after they picked a winner, they decided six months later that there wasn't really a winner after all, and neither was there in 2007. The AFL Gods also appear to be fans of the "Nobody Wins" school of thought.

To many, if not all fans of rugby league, this year's grand final is further proof that the League Gods wish only death and destruction upon their worshippers. Here at League Blog we take a more enlightened approach.

Subsequent movement in mysterious ways notwithstanding, the final outcome of this year's decider offers many rich and compelling storylines for lovers of league:
- another loss for Brian Smith
- another choke for the Dragons
- a first grand final loss for Wayne Bennett
- Todd Carney's rags to riches redemption revivalist saga bitterly crushed
- a loss to the Roosters
- a loss to the Dragons

LB could go on and on, and we invite our readers to do so, but the point is clear: regardless of who wins, at least some of the joyous things above will come to pass, oh verily yea.

Immortals

Whatever happens in the final two weeks of the season, the Roosters of 2010 will go down as one of the finest sides to have ever played rugby league.

Sunny days are here again

In Brian Smith's crowning achievement, he has guided the side to a stunning victory over the Panthers in the elimination final played at the SFS on Saturday night. In a game few thought the Roosters would win, they absorbed some early hits but finished all over the top of the Mountain Men. Smith must surely rank this as his best coaching performance ever.

As good as it gets

Think about it for a moment. This is virtually the same Roosters side that finished dead last last year. And now they stand on the cusp of immortality - grand final victory. When was the last time a wooden spooner made it past the third week of September? Unlike the lightning in a bottle success of the Raiders this year and the Eels last year, Smith's Roosters are built to last, with key players and positions occupied by young but increasingly brilliant players.

Remarkable turnaround

But back to the game.

The Roosters were simply unstoppable. Pearce, Carney, Anasta. Myles, Warea-Hargreaves, Ryles. Too strong, too quick, too clever. And we haven't even mentioned Anthony Minichiello, back in the form that earned him a Golden Boot as the game's greatest player almost a decade ago. Speaking of vintage performances, Anasta has of late been playing like the up and comer many thought would be a future Australian captain. Is it too late in his career for this accomplishment? Surely not, if the Roosters continue their mesmerising ways, as most expect they will do.

The Roosters now play the Titans in the grand final qualifier, and surely they must be approaching the game with both eyes on who they will meet in the grand final. The Roosters will fancy their chances against the Tigers or the Dragons, but are more likely to blow out the Tigers than the Dragons in the big game.

Watching from above

As we stop and reflect on this peformance - indeed these performances - we should count ourselves lucky to be witnessing rugby league of this quality. It is not every year that a competition has a team stand out so far ahead of the pack - that a team presents so few weaknesses, and displays so many weapons.

And thus the play of the Roosters in 2010 is a gift - not just to their thousands upon thousands of fans, who turned out in droves tonight and last week in rugby league's spiritual heartland, but to all fans of good footy - be they in Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney or Swasiland.

File footage

A grand final victory to the Roosters, as seems perhaps inevitable now, will carry with it a groundswell of community support that few teams in any code have mustered, ever.

I take my hat off to Brian Smith and the boys - congratulations on a mission almost accomplished.

Dog Days

What it's like to be a Dogs fan

LB is not ashamed to admit that we agree with the common perception that the Dogs are the greatest club in the history of rugby league. But something disturbing has happened in recent years. Something that threatens to, nay that has already begun to rub some of the shine off a beautiful and thick, lustrous coat of classiness that has accreted through almost three decades of the Winfield Cup.

From the late 70s, through to the early 2000s, the Dogs were the classic perineal contenders. They may have missed the semis a few times, but they won a stack of comps and excelled for extended periods of time. Nadirs were brief, ascensions lasting. It meant something to speak of the Dogs' proud and winning culture (on the field).

Now? All that has changed (on the field).

Let's take a look at their record since their famous grand final victory in 2004. This is also a decent marker for a transition between eras (the end of Dogs and Roosters dominance, the start of the Storm and Sea Eagles rise. Incidentally, are we on the cusp of a new era?).

2005: Never got going, threatened to make a run for the semis at the end of the year but died in the arse (interestingly the same fate befell the team after the previous premiership in 1995).

2006: Very strong year, ended by the horrific Broken Axle defeat to Brisbane in the GF qualifier.

2007: Constantly threatened to fade out or climb the ladder, finished middle of the top eight, season ended with three straight defeats, including two playoff losses.

2008: Wooden spoon.

2009: Surpassed all expectations, a legal interchange away from the minor premiership, went out in the GF qualifier giving their best to a superior Parra team.

2010: Struggled to get going, threatened to make a run at the playoffs, died in the arse (or so LB is predicting).

The Nostradmii among you might point to this as reason to predict a) a resurgence in 2011 or b) a sharp spike in the price of pork bellies next September. But LB has another point to make.

The Dogs have no form carryover from year to year.

This is a terrible fate to befall a franchise, although considering all the other crap that's happened around the league it's not so bad I suppose. Anyway, what of the other teams over this same stretch?

Average performance over this time period, measured in ladder position, sees the Storm clearly on top, followed by Manly and the Broncos - three teams that have made the semis each year and will do so again this year, massive salary cap breach penalties aside. The Dogs rank sixth.

A high (or low) average ladder position tells you something about form carryover, but not a lot. What about our old friend standard deviation, a measure of the how far a team's ladder position strays from its long term average?

The most consistent team is now the Broncos, followed by the Panthers (consistently shite and the jury still out this year), Storm and Manly. The Tigers are next up, models of consistency in just missing the eight. The Dogs rank?

Dead last. And by a fair bit too. Other teams with a massive spread are the Cowboys, Knights and Sharks.

You get similar results if you take the difference operator - this tells you how much each year varies from the last. Since 2005, the Storm, Broncos, Manly and Panthers have never moved more than five spots on the ladder in one year. Manly's never moved more than three spots. That is the magic of Desce.

The Dogs, meanwhile, are dead last on this measure too, having moved 10 spots twice and 14 once. This year is shaping up as a move of 10 or more spots.

LB is struggling to think of an appropriate metaphor to describe the Dogs on again, off again culture. The Canterbury Lightswitches? The Binaries? The Jude Law-Sienna Millers?

LB has submitted this study to the prestigious journal Nature Rugby League and is awaiting comments from reviewers.

Midseason Report Card

League Blog: A+

The first half of Origin II was a dour affair, and these are my least favourite types of affairs. The Blues must be frank and admit they are in a demolishing phase. Next comes rebuilding, and finally glorious victory, or perhaps demolishing again. All depends on ARU and AFL recruitment plans really. My bolter for next Blues coach is Mal Meninga. With the right incentive package he could be ours, but we'd want to make sure we get his support team too.

The second half was rather muted, literally. Instead I watched the final two episodes of series three of Six Feet Under and let me tell you, it's not half bad. It was a real struggle watching Nate through this series. Where once was spark and life, now lay dullness, depression and resignation. I really hope he gets some closure after confirmation of the awful news of Lisa's death.

I'm not sure what to make of Ruth's marriage, but I'll be honest and say the guy playing him hasn't won me over yet. You know, the tall guy who played a baddie in LA Confidential? Claire has become less likeable, her boyfriend was really irritating. I do feel for her though after all she's gone through. It's still jarring for me to see Dexter as David, whining to Keith all the time.

It just makes me hunger for season four of Dexter even more. I have above average height hopes for season four of Six Feet Under. Better go and reserve it at Civic.


Getting back to League, now's as good a time as any for some predictions.
- Bulldogs to go on a three game winning streak when it's too late, followed immediately by Kevin Moore's contract being extended by two years to 2014.
- Penrith to prove they're the real deal, whatever that means. They definitely won't make the grand final.
- Tigers to narrowly make the top eight, sending a wave of panic through the NRL and confusion through the sister cities of Leichhardt and Campbelltown.
- Brian Smith to sign as Sharks coach as soon as whoever they sign next gets fired. I mean really, anyone can pick the Knights and Roosters off the canvas. Let's see him do something with the Sharks. Actually, scratch that, Brian Smith to sign as head coach of the North Sydney Bears.
- Some awesome new controversies to break out
- Everyone to forget about the Independent Commission
- LB to try and catch a game or two if we must

The Goodyear Blip

League Blog was lucky enough to obtain tickets for last night’s blockbuster match at Penrith. The seats were excellent, right at halfway and at the perfect elevation. It later turned out that we weren’t supposed to be sitting there, but really, that’s what footy’s all about.

It wasn’t a very good game, but LB was happy to see up close how these teams are travelling.

Ever since their blip of a grand final win in 2003, the Panthers have deserved the heap of scorn that’s been poured all over them and especially their inexplicably employed coach. Unlike the Tigers, who at various points of the season look like premiership contenders before missing the semis, the Panthers have at various times looked like a playoff team before missing the semis. This year, things are different. Or so they say.

Based on last night’s performance, they’re definitely in with a shot. Players seem to know their roles, they’re confident and have some good strike power. But their defence is shoddy and you’ll forgive League Blog for saying they are locks not to make the grand final or even the grand final qualifier.

The Dogs are continuing their rebuilding quite nicely, in the wake of last year’s overachieving blip. Ben Barba got his first run of 80 minutes and was quiet but solid. Flawed defensively, but very involved in the Dogs’ attack. I think he erred on the side of simplicity and not pushing things, aside from an audacious chip kick on the last tackle 30m out from his line, which lead to a decisive Panthers try from memory. He and the Dogs will be much better for the run. They continue to find ways to ignore Josh Morris and I’m starting to think he needs to take some responsibility for that. For a player with his ability on a team like the Dogs, his lack of involvement is shameful.

Overall the Dogs look like a team without an identity. They have some outstanding players but aren't putting it together convincingly. I rank development of their up and comers as the critical task at the moment. With the team they have, they still shouldn’t have to sacrifice a finals berth to achieve that end.

I don’t think the ladder position of either of these teams will remain as it is. In fact, this is the most variable comp in the history of rugby league. Teams drift in and out of form – winners don’t win for long and even the losingest losers have picked up a few wins. This is heartening for teams aiming to win enough games to stay in contention but happy to work combinations and structure with the goal of peaking at the right time of year. Teams like Melbourne (but not actually Melbourne). Wouldn't it be delightful if at the end of the year the non-Melbourne bottom team was only four wins behind the team with the most wins (probably Melbourne)?

Two side notes from last night. The Panthers' on-ground announcer looks like he used to be on children's TV. And for the first time in seven years, Luke Patten is no longer the fifth-best fullback in rugby league.

Tahu's round the clock rehab program

League Blog is pleased to announce our return to League Blog after an extended stay in one of Sydney's southern National Parks. We can't say too much about it, as we're selling our story to New Idea. Let's just say we won't be offering directions to Trent Barrett for a while. If he wants to find first grade form, he can make his own damn way.

As it turns out we're coming back at just the right time. Not only does Origin I promise to be the greatest game so far in the history of rugby league, but Ben Barba's finally getting his chance to steer the Dogs around the park on Monday against the Panthers. With regards to the former, LB is especially interested to see whether Mal Meninga's finally forked out for a better wheelchair for Darren Lockyer. It's a disgrace that they've left him in that nursing home giveaway for so long. With regards to the latter, the Dogs are on track to continue their long rebuilding phase after the blip of overachievement last year. Give the youth a chance, Kevvie.

Finally, LB was very interested to hear of Timana Tahu's safe passage into the Origin team. We've managed to get a copy of his round the clock rehab program.

Day 1
0600 Breakfast. Two slices of raisin toast and a large mug of earl grey tea. Third slice of raisin toast if still hungry.

0630 Turn on ABC Newsradio, plug in muscle stimulator and strap it to knee and ankle.

1230 Lunch. As extension cord is not long enough to reach kitchen, give Jamal Idris a call and see if he can bring over something.

1830 Dinner. Try Jamal again. If no luck, try trainer Tony Ayoub.

2030 Unstrap muscle stimulator from knee and ankle, unplug muscle stimulator, turn off radio.

2100 Do some straight line running and some turning up and back over ten metres.

2200 Go to bed.

Day 2
0630 Give Tony Ayoub a call, ask if he can supply a portable muscle stimulator.

Storm in a Teacup

In one of the momentous days in the history of Rugby League, League Blog was shocked to find out that the Newcastle Knights are chasing Brett Finch to fill the role of five eight in 2011. An amazing and noteworthy revelation - we think this may be the story of the year.

A gift from God

It’s 6 degrees in the outer Canberra suburb of Belconnen, and the sun is yet to rise. A lone figure strolls down the road towards a local park, football in one hand and four litre water bottle in the other. He enters the park, neatly places the ball and water by a tree and immediately starts running. An hour later, the rising sun sees him dodging and weaving between imaginary witch hats. Another hour and the suburb comes to life, cars starting, people walking, the muted greens and browns of Canberra seeing the light of day.

Our solitary athlete pays none of this heed, not for another half hour when he picks up his ball and now empty water bottle and leaves the park. He is covered in sweat and has the look of soldier returning from war. Grim, dazed, and battle hardened.

Canberra Raiders interchange player Brett Kelly is a polarising figure. “Some people have heard of me, some haven’t,” he quips. But he wouldn’t have it any other way. Nothing has come easy to Kelly in life. Not his first word (bobo, according to his mother), not his first job (kitchenhand at Hungry Jacks), and not a starting berth in the National Rugby League. The way he sees it, if he didn’t get up early and work harder than everyone else, he wouldn’t even be on the same page as the Thurstons, Inglises and Barbas of the world. “It’s definitely made me stronger,” Kelly says of his brutal training regime.

Injuries have derailed most of Kelly’s career, but he is starting to come good at the right time. Kelly finds himself at the end of a five man bench for the Raiders, coming off a surprise win over the slow starting Eels. Among the boys, Kelly’s nickname is Omitted, because of how often the phrase ‘one to be omitted’ comes after his name. He doesn’t mind. He has far worse nicknames for the other players, particular Alan Tongue, Dane Tilse and Joe Picker.

“I’ve put in the hard work, the long hours. It’s just a matter of replicating that on the footy field. It’s not rocket science,” Kelly says. Raiders conditioner Mark Colville has a big wrap on Kelly. “Mate, this c*** is eight, nine years older than most of the other c**** in this place, but he f******* trains the house down. This c*** is legit, he is a f****** NRL player.”

Kelly keeps to himself

As one of the older players in the club, I wonder if Kelly has any perspective on why the Raiders have been such a colossal failure in the NRL for so many years. Is it the coach, the players, the town? Does the salary cap work? Kelly says nothing, not even an ‘I don’t know.’ I’m not even sure he understood the question. But if last week’s win over the Eels is anything to go by, this year’s players carry no extra burden from years past.

No more than your average human anyway. Kelly understands the religious connotations of the suburb he was born in. “Jesus, every second person in my street used to bang on about living in the garden of Eden. Yes, I’ve got a mate called Adam. Yes, I know someone called Eve. And no, there's no apple orchards around here.” Kelly grows quiet for a moment. After a long pause, during which he appears to see through my very soul, he continues. “Knowledge is an awful burden to place on anyone. There’s too much. How do you make sense of it, act on it? But that’s the human condition. We are by nature curious creatures. Would you have refrained from eating the apple?”

I don’t know the answer to this question. But I do know that Brett Kelly is unlike any other player in the history of rugby league.

Sponsored by Betstar

Punters,

I noticed something today that reminded me of that Dudley Moore/Darryl Hannah movie Crazy People, where an advertiser started using honesty to sell his products.

It seems that Betstar is doing the same thing. Note their statement on my Oztips page today.



I like it. Makes me want to head straight to the Pokies.

In other news, yes, Storm to beat the Sea Eagles.

Thursday bullets

• You know how some writers just couldn't be arsed doing a proper post and so just rifle off a bunch of unconnected and poorly thought out points yet try and rescue the whole thing by calling it 'bullets'? League Blog has a very open mind and is willing to try anything once.
• In the wake of the success of the Matty Johns show, already nominated for a BAFTA, commercial stations are scrambling to put together more footy offerings. LB can however offer a Danny Weidler-style exclusive, as we bumped into a television crew from Sydney community station TVS while they were filming former Manly trainer and now assistant coach Geoff Toovey. Turns out they're putting together a 6-part documentary called Reality TooVey, following the schmiddy-sized Tooves around while he gives advice, organises defensive lines, sinks pints at the Arms and repairs broken doors. In a further Danny Weidler-style exclusive, LB can reveal that Tooves is working on a secret new tackling manoeuvre called the Joystick. Tune into TVS next Friday at 3pm for all the details.
• There have been mixed reactions from fans of Souths, the Bulldogs, Cronulla and Manly, the four teams yet to register wins this year. Some say a win is just around the corner, others are googling Jack Kevorkian. Like Sherlock Downey Jr, LB likes to get all the facts before judging these matters. In 2009 three teams entered Round 3 on 0 points: Manly, Canberra and Panthers. All had essentially crap years. In 2008 it was Manly, Penrith, Souths and North Qld. Again, all crap years, except Manly who won the comp. LB thinks it's pretty obvious what the implications are.
  
• Likewise, fans of the Roosters, Dragons, Storm and Titans want to know whether their two wins will translate to rugby league immortality. LB is so confident in stating the following that it won't even bother looking it up. In the ENTIRE history of rugby league, at least three of the top four teams entering Round 3 have gone on to miss out on the big prize. Sobering stuff.
• LB saw on Hungry Beast last night that the mobile apps industry is projected to become larger than the music industry. Can anyone think of any potential league apps for players, coaches, administrators or the heart of the game, the fans?
  

NRL Rugby League 3 on Nerdstation

League Blog has just been informed that NRL Rugby League 3 has just been released on nerd systems around the world. Giving a free plug, LB was a big fan of NRL RL2, which allowed great moves such as pass left (L1), pass right (R1), speed up (X), side step (Y), and kick (I could never figure out which button did this, so my halfback (Daniel Holdsworth) would kick at random times to random places - much like real life).

However, we are assured that Rugby League 3 has a much wider array of moves for the nerdy league fans. A bit of research has come up with the following:

Chicken Wing - X, X, -->, Y. Toggle stick left and right rapidly to rip tendons.
Prowler - (L1) + O, Y, -->, -->. Also can hit --> -->, (up) to do a prowling high shot.
Grapple - mash all buttons together and toggle left and right.
Eye Gouge - hit X, X, <--, --> after a grapple
Gallen Wheels Grab - O, O <--, --> after a grapple

We note that there are a number of player specific moves too.

Inglis - X, X, X, X, --> will give the ol' don't argue.
Matai - Any button on defence will result in Matai giving a high shot.
Nate Myles - (L2), O, O... I recommend that you not try this one.
And finally, reminiscent of the fatality moves in Mortal Kombat, Brett Stewart. Try X, X --> X, Y if Manly wins a match.



Enjoy.

Note, if you discover any different player specific codes, feel free to post them in comments.

Ennis shots

ABC Sport reports that a high shot has cost Michael Ennis a week. In other news, four Michael Ennis wide shots cost the Bulldogs a week.

The same report mentions that "Warriors back James Maloney and Gold Coast reserve prop Bodene Thompson". League Blog is all for teams backing their own players, but why New Zealand would want to back a Titans player is beyond us. It is possible to interpret the above statement another way though: the Titans are reserving Thompson, possibly for use at a later date. Thompson, who born was around the same time the movie Point Break came out, has no known interest in robbing banks in between surfing, playing beach gridiron and rescuing Keanu Reeves from Anthony Kiedis.

Game On

Well pundits - last night League Blog dreamt about league and this morning it woke in a pool of drool. So we think it's about time we take the boots out of the locker, clean off last season's dried up mud, and start practising our wrestling techniques.

LB predicts an exciting year! The tea leaves are too wet to go into specifics, although it is safe to gamble responsibly on the following:
- The team formerly known as the Winless Rabbits will now just be known as the Wingless Rabbits.
- Jesus Hayne will do a cruciate in the first two weeks.
- The Bulldogs will rediscover their strength as a family team (Mortimers and Hughes's'es excepted).
- The Storm will find pain through the loss of Dallas Johnson.
- Wayne Bennett will at last give the selectors his blessing to unleash Jamie Soward onto Origin.
- Manly will be mad as hell, as will Billy Slater for no longer having Matt Orford between him and shortest man in league status.
- Matt Elliot will be lauded as a supercoach some time between rounds 1 and 5.
- Tim Sheens will be reunited with his long lost brothers Charlie and Emilio.
- As per the decadal Trans-Tasman Oscillation, the Warriors are due for a good year.
- Braith Anasta and Anthony Minichiello will reach an all-time high in core strength.
- The Titans will bring out five more fastest men in league on the wings, only for Chris Walker to make a surprise appearance in the semis.
- The Sharks will surprise quite a few people, chiefly by showing up to games.
- Everyone will forget to talk about the Raiders.
- The Knights will be fired up as hell for round one. Hopefully the Doggies put the cleaners through them and steer them on course for Rugby League's first winless season in history.
- After bumping into Tonie Carroll outside a hospice, Alan Cann will suit up the boots again to shore up the Broncos' wafer-thin frontline.
- Jonathan Thurston will finally get some recognition as one of the top players in league.

League Blog has also been asked by some mysterious female followers to give them some hints for tipping this year. As we will do anything to get women to read our blog (semi-naked pictures of Craig Wing, anyone?), we will be happy to comply. And, mysterious ladies, you may take comfort in the fact that League Blog comprised the majority of the great Felafel Farfalle team who won last year's Team Prize in the Tim Ward Rugby League Tipping comp.


So this week, League Blog would go with the favourites, although I worry about the Tigers as I think they still haven't recovered (except for a blip in 2005) from Baa Baa's hit on Ellery Hanley in the 1988 Grand Final.

Some things to look out for as March 12 approaches

- Scandals. Good journalists will have a few saved up in case nothing comes up in the next few weeks. As noted above, League Blog has been scandal free this whole offseason.

- Combinations. Coaches love to work on them during the offseason, and even into the early rounds.

- Senior players talking up young players. "Just you watch, Player X is going to have a break out year. He's bigger and stronger and has a more fluid play the ball than any player I've ever seen."

- Reports of ruthless conditioners putting squads through their toughest offseason ever in an effort to create players able to run up sandhills really quickly.

- Crappy teams and their fanbases holding out hope that this year will be different.

Face of Rugby League

League Blog was interested by yesterday's news that Nathan Hindmarsh is the NRL's new face of Western Sydney. Now there is no doubt that he has the best cheeks in League, but it made me wonder what you had to do to get selected as the face of a geographic/socioeconomic area. Did each nomination get submitted to David Gallop with a bio, for him to peruse over. I can just him now...

"Hmmm, Hindmarsh. Picture, yes good, borderline mullet, constant dazed and confused stare. Wife? Bon Scott - nice, must love AC/DC. Kids? Oh excellent, he has three and they are all named after dogs. I think we've found our westie".

Anyway, League Blog approves.

League Blog is genuinely excited by the prospect of more announcements on this front. However, as this seems like nothing more than a nod to a rival code's expansion plans, League Blog suggests the NRL's focus remain in Western Sydney, but shift to other parts of the body such as thighs and hands.

Sea Eagles Cover-Up

Now, I don't know much about the Manly nightlife, except that the Steyne lives up to its name, but one thing I have seen down there in my younger days is Steve Matai getting into a fight on the main strip. That guy is big, mean and tough, and the other blokes didn't stand a chance.

In fact, the only person in Manly whom I think could take on Matai is Anthony Watmough - the vacant look in his eyes reminds me scarily of Mike Tyson. And one of the few guys who could take on Choc would be, yep, you guessed it, Skivvy Matai. Those two would make for a pretty even match.

But now, suspiciously, news comes to light that these two were both beaten up in the one place while waiting for a cab at 1.30am on a Sunday morning. And were too sick to turn up to training the next day... Cover up for a Boozy Pre-season Launch, anyone?

The Top 25 NRL Players

Well League lovers, it’s been a very trying time since the grand final whistle was blown. The Tetranations offered some respite, but really, who were we kidding in taking that seriously? We all know the main game is NRL, followed by NRL Reggies. In reward for your patience, League Blog is offering a drop or 1200 in the offseason ocean.

As previously alluded to and perhaps promised, LB has taken the important step of ranking the 25 best players in the game today. Some have called our simple, easy to follow method convoluted, wrong or an obvious rip-off.

Anyway, imagine that Dave Gallop holds a press conference announcing that for one day only the NRL is trialling a new kind of player trade, with NRL teams allowed a straight up one for one swap of any player on the team.

The question is – for any particular player in the league, who could you get in return? Note, this is who you would get – most teams would be too stupid to take Dallas Johnson, even though he’s your ultimate glue guy guaranteed to take a concussion for your team, unnecessarily though it may be.

In order to ground this somewhat in reality, if I’m Ivan Henjak and someone rings up asking about Israel Folau, with the offer of Jamal Idris, I give them a big fat eff you. But if they’re offering Jarryd Hayne, I personally tell Izzy to clear his locker by 9am tomorrow.

The rules

1. Age matters. Would you rather have Trent Barrett for the next two seasons or Daniel Mortimer for the next nine?

2. Salary cap doesn’t matter. We’ve got Ian Schubert in on a conference call and he’s totally fine with this.

3. Concentrate on degrees. Neither North Queensland nor Parramatta would make a Thurston-Hayne trade, but the Cowboys would at least say, "Wow, Jarryd Hayne’s available?" and have a meeting about it while the Eels would say, "There's no frickin' way we're losing Jarryd Hayne." That counts in the big scheme of things.

4. The list runs in reverse order (Nos. 25 to 1). So if Sam Thaiday comes in at No. 14, players 1 through 13 are all players about whom the Broncos would probably say, "We hate giving up Sam, but we definitely have to consider this deal." And they wouldn't trade him straight-up for any player listed between Nos. 15 and 25.

Get the picture? Good. On with the list, in reverse order….

You’ll have to bowl us over, but we’re listening
25. Nathan Hindmarsh. The Best Bum Crack In League just squeezes in here too. His best years may be behind him but if you could bottle what Hindy has, every coach in the league would be pouring it down their own players’ buttcracks.

24. Jamie Soward. The Zen Master loves him, evidenced by his gentle and nurturing protection of Soward from Origin. LB thinks he has a big future.

23. Dallas Johnson. You couldn’t build a team around him, but tough as a rock – a big, tough rock.

22. Michael Jennings. Yet to show his full potential but he’s already made Origin and he’s only 21.

21. Robbie Farah. Lost the battle of the NSW hookers (sounds like a team bonding exercise) and then lost LB’s vote when he failed to get the Tiges into the semis. Perhaps spending too much time on his Mx columns.

The heart and soul of the team… but we can always buy a new one I suppose.
20 Michael Ennis. Tough bugger who has somehow eluded the ‘grub’ tag. He helped turned the Bulldogs into automatic contenders but can he take them further?

19. Cooper Cronk. He’s actually good, but hasn’t had the opportunity to show whether he can do it without other members of the Fab Four. LB was perhaps harsh in calling him Ringo. Alternatives will be considered.

18. Ben Creagh. The Zen Master loves him. In danger of becoming a boring superutility like Gidley and Lewis if he doesn’t bulk up.

17. Petero Civoniceva. Does anyone seriously think they’ll make the semis this year? Needing to win 2 of their last 6 to make the semis last year, they beat the Bunnies and drew the Warriors at home, and lost their other 4 games by 130 points. If Petero can make Elliott look good, he can do anything.

16. Darren Lockyer. Starting to look old. Could help a cuspy team get over the line, but it won’t be the Broncos.

Only if they asked to leave
15. Justin Hodges. Outstanding player who might have peaked. Times his acts of gallantry well.

14. Sam Thaiday. No longer on the cusp, yet not quite the league’s most damaging forward either.

13. Ben Hannant. Solid, solid, solid. Wins the award for most solid forward. Reminiscent of Pricey circa 2003, minus the chargedowns.

12. Fui Fui Moi Moi. If he backs it up this year he will be without question the top forward in the game. Any time writers start quoting physics when they’re describing players, you know something’s going on.

11. Israel Folau. Scarily good winger, but still has the occasional deer in the headlights look in defence. Not that LB wouldn’t if it were placed on the footy field (except maybe at halftime in the under 8s).

Franchise players
10. Scott Prince. Despite his genuine class, can’t quite crack it as the best in the biz. Last seen heavily lobbying Japanese rugby to increase their offer to JT.

9. Roy Asotasi. Is he still the game’s best prop? Come to think of it, who was the last major Souths signing that played their best footy with them?

8. Benji Marshall. At his best, he matches it with the top tier – sadly playing well for one game a year is not quite sufficient. Perhaps reverting to Benjamin would do it. Over to you Rabs.

7. Brett Stewart. Dropped two places due to last year’s BSL (Boozy Season Launch). Will be a defining year for him.

6. Anthony Watmough. Incredibly damaging player, on the field too. Looking for a payday too, so everyone else better watch out in 2010.

No effing way
5. Jonathan Thurston. LB has taken the odd potshot at League’s Golden Boy, but let’s face it – what team wouldn’t want him? And he’s only 26.

4. Cameron Smith. The Storm’s real MVP, doesn’t sell tickets like Slater and Inglis (before he was removed from all official advertising). Him and Dallas Johnson are built like T-800s. You need to pull that lever and get the hydraulic machine to crush them to be really sure they’re gone, and even still you can’t rule out Miles Dyson finding their crunched up hand and then turning a startup company into a gamechanger like Cyberdyne.

3. Billy Slater. Most consistently brilliant player – how long’s he been doing it for? – with no signs of letting off for at least a couple more years. Guaranteed brain snap in at least one crucial game per year.

2. Jarryd Hayne. This guy has the goods. If anything, the disappointing finish to 2009 should have Hayne primed for an even bigger 2010. LB heard Parra were joint favourites with the Storm this year, and we didn’t even laugh! Not far off Inglis at his best, and he’s younger and more marketable.

1. Greg Inglis. A close call with Hayne, because of his looming court case and tendency to go off the radar at times. Even off the radar Inglis is better than most. At his best, Inglis is better than any other player at their best.