Whose redeemer will reign supremer?

Bang a gong, we are on!

I’ve seen so many analyses of which team will prevail in the all-important NRL semi-finals. Some look at head to head records (Roy Masters, you’re last in the Herald tipping comp, we’re not listening to you). Some look at recent streaks. Some look at key injuries. Some look at big name players. All have their merit, but are ultimately worthless and offensive.

Yet they all have something in common.

They fail to take into account the entity that will be deciding each and every match, that is God. Now whether or not you believe in God, you can’t deny that God exists. Daniel Holdsworth’s continued presence in the Bulldogs’ team is proof of it. But seriously, this build up is in dire need of a wind up. So without much more adoing, here’s a look at the religious beliefs of the eight semi-final coaches, as deduced by League Blog.

Wayne Bennett
As everyone knows, Wayne Bennett practises Zen Buddhism, having picked it up from then-Chicago Bulls coach Phil Jackson on a scouting tour of the US in 1991. Jackson was famous for handing out books for players to read while on tour, each with a particular message for that player. Given that Darren Smith was the only Bronco to finish a book Bennett had given him, the mastercoach changed tack at the Dragons and instead arranges for personalised Zen koans to be printed on the back of 4X stubbies handed out to players before big games.

Kevin Moore
Given the Bulldogs are the family club, I can only assume that Coach Moore is a Catholic. I was cruelly deprived of Catholicism as a child, so am unable to speculate as to what the effects on the team will be, although Daniel Holdsworth appears to have an exceptionally well-developed sense of guilt. Moore’s mantra is ‘every tackle is sacred’.

John Cartwright
I’m told Protestants are the only people who work hard, so it’s safe to say the Titans’ coach is one of them. Coach Cartwright’s strong work ethic has been evident since day one, and the poor results are there for all to see. His middle names are Sola Scriptura Leagus.

Craig Bellamy
It’s no secret that Bellyache is an adherent of fire and brimstone Pentecostalism. He’s managed to bring his players along with him on his journey – with the notable exception of Israel Folau - and is known to speak in tongues, mainly to referees.

Des Hasler
The best way to describe Desce would be existentialist with a twist of nihilism. His are truly the eyes of a man who has glimpsed the eternal void. For the last eight years, Des has stared at the same piece of space (about three metres past you and slightly to the left), an extraordinary physical feat which has lead some to incorrectly designate him a Hindu Ascetic. It is commonly believed Manly’s victory last year can be attributed to an attempt by the players to cheer him up.

Ivan Henjak
His hairdo makes this a dead giveaway, Henjak being an adherent of the Hare Krishna movement. He fought a long, bitter but ultimately losing battle with Broncos HR to be allowed to wear robes during games, but can be seen on Wednesday evenings serving vegetarian food to the needy outside ANZ Stadium. In fact, this is where he met Tonie Carroll and convinced him to return to the Broncos squad.

Daniel Anderson
I reckon I can pinpoint the exact moment Anderson became a born again Christian, it was during the Eels tense victory over the Storm on a Monday night eight weeks ago, which launched a big winning streak and the return to form of our Messiah, Jarryd Hayne. Not that he had a choice, new Eels CEO Paul Osborne now requiring all players and staff to convert in a bid to help convince Hayne to remain with the team. Little do they know that Jesus, being from the Middle East, is a Bulldogs supporter.

Rick Stone
Given his late entry to the coaching scene, not much is known about Stone yet. It’s safe to assume he is a nature loving Pagan, like most in the Hunter region. Stone’s views have at times put him at loggerheads with his ageing talisman, Mad Dog McDougall, who worships his own thighs.

Disclaimer (apologies to Kevin Smith)
1. a renunciation of any claim to or connection with; 2. disavowal; 3. a statement made to save one's own ass.

Though it goes without saying, League Blog would like to state that this post is from start to finish a work of comedic fantasy, not to be taken seriously. To insist that any of the preceding is incendiary or inflammatory is to miss our intention and pass judgement; and passing judgement is reserved for God and God alone (this goes for you league pundits too...just kidding). So please before you think about hurting someone over this trifle of a post, remember: even God has a sense of humor. Just look at the Platypus. Thank you and enjoy the blog. P.S. We sincerely apologize to all Platypus enthusiasts out there who are offended by that thoughtless comment about Platypi. We at League Blog respect the noble Platypus, and it is not our intention to slight these stupid creatures in any way. Thank you again and enjoy the blog.

Apology (apologies to Darren Lockyer)
More footage come out yesterday apparently, which proves that League Blog was the blog that made the entirely fictional comments on religion there. If that's the case, League Blog's intentions wouldn't, you know, have been intimidating. If League Blog offended anyone, then League Blog apologises.