Year in Review - Part XIV of XVI

Speaking Roman Numerally, the Broncos are clearly the closest team so far to this year's grand finalists. In fact, if you swap the I and V they become team 16, NRL champs. So close, but yet so far.

Brisbane Broncos
Act II Scene I
"Wayne, Wayne, wherefore art thou, Wayne?"

Heeeeere's Tonie!

Season Highlight: After heading into their week 12 bye coming 2nd on the ladder, the Broncos dropped 7 out of their next 8 games. They dropped 46 points to Cronulla and 56 points to the Raiders. Everyone wrote them off. But they came back from that to win 7 games on the trot, including an absolute smashing of minor premiers the Dragons, and charge strongly into the preliminary final.

Season Lowlight: The preliminary final. It was probably to be expected - the Broncos were just conceding too many tries per game (2nd worst in the comp), and a fired up Storm were always going to smash them. I thought I saw tears in Lockyer's eyes, but then remembered that he had his tear ducts removed and inserted into his throat to lubricate those raspy chords.

Most Valuable Player: Peter Wallace, it would appear. How else do you explain their transition from comp-menacing demons to pathetic roadkill in the space of one week? Oh yeah, League Blog already explained above, because their defence sucks. Wallace continues to take his game to the next level and is a lock to play one of three Origin games next year.

Least Valuable Player: Shared between Michael Hunt (nee de Vere) and Tonie Carroll. Don't come back from retirement unless you are good. Notable mention to Justin Hodges - when an international centre only scores 3 tries all season, it just shows his heart's not quite in it.

Telling Statistic: All League fans were about to rejoice when it looked like the Broncos streak of 45 straight finals appearances would be brought to a windscreen smashing halt this year. This was truly the good news the NRL needed in a year full of bad news. But the Broncos had to go and ruin it for everyone, going on that winning streak and making the GF qualifier. League Blog can't see that streak of semis appearances being beaten by any other team next year.

Quote that sums up their year: "It was disappointing, but that's footy. There's always one winner and one loser." Justin Hodges does the math on the Broncos exit from the semis. I have to correct him though - sometimes Rugby League is also the winner, meaning there is two winners and one loser.

2010 Outlook: I can see the Broncos coping with their loss of Karmichael Hunt to AFL by signing Warwick Capper to fill the gap. Lockyer will pledge his commitment to playing until he is 48, by which time he will be Captain/Coach, Wally Lewis-style.

Peter Sterling's Grand Final Week Diary

Saturday 26 Sep, 2:25am.
Can’t sleep. Too excited! Has it really been 23 years since we made a grand final? Oh, that’s right, friggin ’01 and Joey on his pills. But still – what a win! And what really gladdens my heart is that it wasn’t just Hayne tonight – although as usual, he was breathtaking. I know Steve Ella will kill me for moving his poster to the laundry, but there just isn’t any space left now and Hayne has to be there. Has to. The Dogs came out breathing fire, but by the end our class shone through. Bring on the Storm/Broncos! Oh sh**, did I remember to thank our entire Wide World of Sports Team and wish everyone a good night? Of course I did…. Now where are those sleeping pills I scored off the Maroons?

Sunday 27 Sep, 9:30am.
Christ, only 15 minutes before I have to head to the studio but I can’t get the Storm out of my head. They looked very impressive last night. Oh well, this is about as good as a Sunday footy show gets for me. Analysing a Parra win (over the Dogs!) that saw them through to the Grand Final. I wonder what news Tim Sheridan will bring today?

Monday 28 Sep, 7:30pm.
Man, Grand Final week is going too slowly. I can’t wait! I’m relieved that Hayne didn’t get suspended, but if I know the football gods – and I do – this only means something else is gonna turn up later and ram horrible destiny up our clackers. Keep it together, Sterlo. Just focus on dinner and preparing your analysis for Sunday.

Tuesday 29 Sep, 3:30pm.
Just had the best round of golf in my life. Not only did I get a hole in one (1 – that’s Jarryd Hayne’s number! Could it be a sign?), but Rabs and the Fat were awful. I feel a lot calmer than the last few days. This week is working out quite well if I do say so myself.

Wednesday 30 Sep, 12:25pm.
So many things are racing through my head right now, but if I freeze my thoughts right there… well there’s the excitement, obviously. What if we win? Can I run down from the commentary box for hugs? I won’t be able to keep it together, that’s for sure. But there’s also a horrible dread feeling – what if we lose? In a way, I’m more scared of a close loss. A big loss would allow every Eels fan to keep the Inferiority Complex security blanket that’s cloaked us the last 20 years. A close loss would mean that we were almost there but threw another f***ing grand final away. Keep it together Sterlo. What will Hayne do? What wil Moi Moi do? Will Inglis show up? You know that Slater will show up. As will Ringo. Cameron Smith, he always shows up, and he’ll be determined to rectify his tragic situation last year. Looking forward to the Grand Final breakfast tomorrow, I hope they have hash browns.

Year in Review - Part XIII of XVI

Well in the midst of the big fat letdown that is the build up to this year's Grand Final, it's time to reflect on the teams most recently knocked out. First cab off the rank, the Doggies.

Canterbury Bulldogs or Full Credit To Kevin Moore And Todd Greenberg, They’ve Really Turned Things Around For The Dogs This Year Both On And Off The Field

I want to learn the ways of the Force
and become a Jedi like my father

Season Highlight: Bouncing back from the wooden spoon in a big way, finishing equal first on points and second on for and against. There were good wins over Manly, Melbourne, the Cowboys and the Titans, and graceful handling of externally imposed (Dragons) and self-imposed (Panthers) losses of two points. Also heartening was the acquisition- finally! – of some pace on the wings (well, one wing) with Bryson Goodwin and Josh Morris.

Season Lowlight: The continued languishing in a yet-to-be-determined grade of Marmin Barba, and the on again but generally overwhelmingly off again languishing of his brother Ben Barba in reserve grade. Why wouldn’t Kevin Moore play a young, exciting if defensively frail player outside Jamal Idris? Why?!?! It also sucked losing to the Eels in the grand final qualifier, but in League Blog’s estimation this was nothing to be ashamed of, merely a reflection of where the Dogs are at at this stage of their journey towards peace and total flow.

Most Valuable Player: Brett Kimmorley. He was the glue of the team, providing direction, energy and glue. Single-handedly shaved at least two dollars off the Dogs price against the Eels by playing, but as Ricky Stuart non-bitterly pointed out, he also cost them the game through his Big Game Ineptitude. It doesn’t matter, he’s enjoying his footy. Honourable mention to Mick Ennis, who must surely win the NRL Award for Most Consistently First-On-The Scene Teammate Congratulater After A Try.

Least Valuable Player: Hazem El Masri. Someone had to say it, and even though he’s a prolific pointscorer, can sniff out the tryline, can snuff out dangerous plays and is the most beloved Muslim in the history of Western Civilisation, he’s just not big, fast or poly enough to play wing in today’s game. Hence the signing of Steve Turner, the poor man's El Magic. Incidentally, Jamal Idris is the poor man's Israel Folau and Ben Barba is the homeless man's Matt Bowen.

Telling Statistic: Some wag’s already taken ‘never lost two in a row all year’, so LB will have to go with Zero, which is the care factor of other teams upon seeing our bench of Warburton, Hickey, Armit and Gordon. It’s also the number of lightning bottles the Dogs owned this year.

Quote that sums up their year: “I think Brett Kimmorley should be picked for Origin,” spoken by Brett Kimmorley before SOO1.

2010 Outlook: 40% chance of slide to fifth and another bundling out. 50% chance of return to GF qualifier only this time a bitterly disappointing loss. 10% chance of going ALL THE WAY (offer valid only if Ben Barba is Brought Back)

First Noddy Giveth Then Noddy Taketh Away

A few thoughts from a surprisingly unshattered Dogs fan/precise and eloquent league blogger.

The Dogs couldn’t have played much better. As a fan, coach, player etc you can’t ask much more than that. I hate to say it, but League Blog predicted this. Based on form and ability, the Dogs ended up right where they should have.

Kimmorley wasn’t at his best, especially in terms of clearing kicks and fifth tackle options; Roberts and Ennis were strong but never looked like game breakers. Obviously we were a lot stronger with Noddy, but you couldn’t shake the feeling that part of the deal with Kimmorley is that he’ll take you far, but only so far. That’s the tradeoff.

The Dogs’ only play, spreading it left for a pass or kick to Goodwin or Morris, got them two tries and almost a third. I wonder what might have happened had Kimmorley not gone for field goal in the dying stages of the first half.

The Dogs found it easy to make ground with the ball, but were a bit like Titans 2.0, making dents but never running them ragged, creating the opportunity to create an opportunity, but wasting it with poor kicks.

For mine, the match turned on the Dogs inability to contain Parra’s offloads (that and the inability to contain accidental knees and chicken wings). The Eels’ hitups weren’t overly starchy, but they had so many offloads it didn’t matter. It was like the 2002 Warriors all over again. They had more offloads than passes. Even the Dogs started copying them at one point. The analogy with the 2002 Warriors should worry all Eels fans.

The Eels can definitely win the GF – no matter how many holes you pick in their game, the other team will have them too – but I would have to tip Storm/Broncos at this stage. This is based on League Blog’s patented Ceiling/Floor Argument. It goes like this.

Dogs have an arbitrary ceiling of say 80%. They have a floor of 70%. Eels have a ceiling of 90% and a floor of 60%. From this we can say that the Eels at their best are too good for the Dogs at their best.

As it turns out, neither of them played their best, but this was at least partly due to the quality of the opposition; that won’t change next week. That is, the Eels will fancy themselves improving next week, but I can’t see the Storm’s/Bronco’s defence giving them any more, nor their attack threatening the Eels any less.

In summary, the CFA tells us the Dogs have been extremely consistent all year, but when another team brings their A game, the Dogs falter. As some people might say, they can’t find another gear to go to. People accused the Titans of this, and were right, and the Dragons of it, and were wrong. Dragons just played their worst footy at the wrong time of year.

The implications of this for the Dogs next year are clear. Unless something changes, they won’t go any further. We might leave it to another post to say what those changes could be.

Meanwhile the Eels have rewritten the book on contending for a title, and they’ve given heart to all teams sputtering along with five wins and tens losses. If you can assemble a team that has incredible potential, don’t worry too much about getting the best out of them early on. Just throw everything together to simmer for a while, then turn the heat up when the time is right. Whether or not they win next week, it’s been an impressive cooking lesson.

LB download

A few quasi-stochastic thoughts from League Blog prior to the game on everyone's lips ( Storm-Broncos).

Period piece
No, League Blog isn't talking about one of our favourite bands, the Wandering Menstruals, this is about the two all-important periods that make up a big rugby league game.

- Softening up period: Probably the most well-known period, takes place in the first 10 minutes. Involves gang tackles, neanderthal grunts from commentators and plenty of rear slapping from teammates. Also known as the sauteeing or browning period. See also roasting period.

- Money time: The last 15 minutes before half time and the first 15 minutes after half time. This is where the big players earn their money. Defences get tired, and the opportunity to seize the day, and the piggybank, is there for players with the skill and love of league to do so.

Anyone who knows league knows that no other parts of the game really affect the outcome. There is a small argument I suppose for a third critical period, which we might call the Popcorn and a DVD period in honour of Daniel Anderson's unorthodox halftime antics during the Warriors-Roosters grand final back in '02. For those who don't know, he played a video of a victorious Warriors grand final, presumably with CGI effects by LucasFilms, which so underwhelmed the team they went out and got flogged.

God
By now it's obvious that God wants the Eels to win. For the other three teams involved, the only solace is that this pale blue dot of a planet is so f***ed up it's clear God doesn't always get what she wants.

Spare a thought also for the Roosters. The Hillsong pastor that turned the Eels form around was initially invited to help out Easts, but declined, saying "God doesn't hang out with losers."

Satan
Is League Blog alone in thinking that Wests Tigers pulled a Robert Johnson in 2005 to win the grand final? They went down to the crossroads, sold their soul to the Devil for a title, and have had the blues ever since.

Anticipation
As Tooley once confided in League Blog, anticipation can be a far greater aphrodisiac than any real life events. Who among us can wait until that first hit-up tonight? Who can restrain themselves at the thought of Phil Gould's prematch oratory? Who hasn't envisioned the glorious circumstances that will see their team smother the other team's dreams and advance to the Grand Final? This truly is a great time for fans of remaining teams, soured only by the thought that this match doesn't have a hope in hell of living up to expectations; that after all is said and done, we realise it was only a game; that like Gatsby, reality never stood a chance compared to our dreams; then we wake, soiled and humiliated by our earlier thoughts of grandeur. I had to cut Tooley off there, as I had an appointment to go to.

Go you Dogs!

Five steps to beating the Eels

With all the Sportsbet money (please gamble responsibly) riding on the Eels, all the talk is on how the Bulldogs will overcome the memories of their round 20 loss to Parra. SMH has published its secrets to success, but League Blog knows that this game isn’t about rugby skills and tactics – it’s about LEAGUE – so you can put all those “attack and defend” theories to rest.

League Blog’s 5-step plan to beating the Eels.

1. Eric Grothe Jnr defends on the right, and is notorious for coming up for an early hit on the centre when the ball is going wide. So the Bulldogs need to distract him to ensure he is a bit slow on the takeoff. I suggest placing a well-endowed woman in the crowd, wearing a Three Day Grothe t-shirt and flashing her chest every time the Bulldogs are inside the 20. Having ‘Eric’ painted in blue on one side of her bare chest, and ‘ROCKS’ in yellow on the other, will ensure Bryce Goodwin sneaks in for a hat-trick.

2. Nathan Hindmarsh prides himself on having the most prominent bum-crack in League. But the Bulldogs have a few guys with similar potential – Greg Eastwood and Ben Hannant to name two. If they drop their shorts at the back an inch or two, then Hindmarsh will be compelled to respond by dropping his even more. This will affect his mobility and create gaps in the midfield.

3. A few well-placed fish dropped around the ground before the game will distract Jesus Hayne, who will rip their heads off to psych himself up. The Dogs can even send Hayne's Fijian training camp buddy Daryl Millard out to join him. All that fish head eating will make Hayne's hands slippery, and he won’t be able to catch the ball. It will also make it easier for the Dogs to sniff out where Hayne is on the field.

4. The Eels have lately shown an ability to withstand early pressure, before bouncing back and smothering slime and electric shocks all over the other team. In order to confuse the Eels, the Dogs need to let them set up camp in their quarter during the first 15 minutes, preferably through a series of penalties from high shots, and then convince them through body language to take an early penalty. After this the Eels will fall into a peaceful slumber and a 22-2 Bulldogs victory will ensue.

5. Fui Fui Moi Moi appears unstoppable, but that's just because his achilles heel hasn't been found. Of course, like Samson, it's in his hair. Ideally it would be arranged for someone to sneak into Moi Moi's Fairfield abode during the night and cut it all off, but you'd have to be batshit insane to try something like that on Fui Fui. No, it will do just as well for a Bulldogs player to have a better hairdo than him. Jamal Idris is an obvious candidate. At the first sight of Idris with Jheri Curls, Moi Moi will be paralysed by embarassment at not having the best hair on the field, and will have to be hooked by Daniel Anderson.

Eastwood's Hero, Moi Moi's downfall?

Year in Review - Part XII of XVI

Coming from a family of Saints supporters, it gives me great pleasure to be able to write about them being knocked out this week. 1979 must be bittersweet for them, because the year I was born marked the last year Dragons won the Premiership.

St George Dragons or Bring Back Brownie

Wendell decides not to mark his wing, and Soward learns why...

Season Highlight: Toss up between the Minor Premiership and the case of Coronas Brett Morris won from his brother Josh. The JJ Giltinan shield was a reward for their surprisingly powerful regular season, and gave life to the old cliché “they’ve been the best team all year.”

Season Lowlight: Obviously this new batch of red and whites wanted to party like it was 1999 - and so they did, choking (albeit a bit earlier) when the premiership was in their grasp. On the plus side, Wayne Bennett still refuses to panic.

Most Valuable Player: Jamie Soward - while he struggled when the pack wasn't going forward, his speed and passing was magic. He also took a dive to pull the obstruction penalty against the Bulldogs, which ultimately won the Dragons the minor premiership. I think that he will mature as a footballer quickly in the years ahead, which will result in commentators starting to call him James.

Most Worthless Player: Darius Boyd. The only thing less than the number of words he spoke in his one and only interview for the season was the number of tries he scored.

Telling Statistic: Soward and Hornby both played a total of 2084 minutes for the season, with a surprising average of 80.15 minutes per game. Some may point to the fact that the Dragons played golden point against the Storm, but I think that it is obviously blatant cheating, and points should be deducted.

Quote that sums up their year: Wendell introducing Nathan Hindmarsh: "I'm here with one of the greatest players in Rugby League... myself". Boyd could learn a few things from the Big Dell's interview techniques... Another pearler, the Zen Master’s fingerprints are all over this Dean Young quote after they got bundled out by the Broncos: “We’re on a journey. This is only the beginning.”

2010 Outlook: Given the Zen Master took 5 years with the Broncos to win a premiership, I'm predicting big things for the Dragons in 2013. But in 2010, Wendell will grow a moustache to channel Shaft.

League Blog, sponsored by Sportsbet

Sportsbet wants YOU.

We’ve had six semi-finals games, and while they’ve been peppered with brilliance and intensity, they haven’t been fully and overwhelmingly lathered in them. The picks so far would probably be the Titans-Broncos and St George-Eels games, because they at least maintained interest up to the last ten minutes or so. But they weren’t undecided going into the last five minutes, and more’s the point, they didn’t have that gripping semi-final intensity the whole way through.

We can only hope the situation will be rectified now it’s grand final qualifier time. That’s right, we’ve whittled away the Fancy Fifteen featuring the Roosters (formerly the Sweet Sixteen) to an Elite Eight, the Super Six and now the Final Four. For these to be truly great games, the Dogs need to win, and the winner of the Storm-Broncos game should have half their team injured and the other half suspended for chicken wings. Failing that, I’d settle for games that truly go Down To The Wire (DTTW).

So, getting onside with the oversponsorship and constant plugging of Sportsbet, League Blog thought that we had better calculate the odds these two will be great games. Please gamble responsibly.

Dogs v Eels

There’s a 50% chance the Eels will power past the Dogs on the back of Jesus Hayne, and a 10% chance the Dogs will shock the Eels and win by 13+. That leaves a 40% possibility of maxmimum closeness at the end of 80 minutes, or DTTW odds of 2 in 5.

Storm v Broncos

The Storm are a 35% chance of blowing the Broncos off the park, and the Broncos themselves would trample the Storm in 15% of grand final qualifiers between these two teams. That leaves a 50% chance of a tight one, or DTTW odds of 1 in 2.

Overall, we can see through elementary probability that the DTTW odds for both games combined are 1 in 5, which is a lamentable position for the NRL to be in at this end of the season.

David Gallop gets it wrong again.

Year in Review - Part XI of XVI

Gold Coast Titans or Don't Bother Remembering The Titans

Put the cork back in... Tooley had been
hired to facilitate grand final celebrations

Season Highlight: Unlike their first two seasons in the comp, the Titans did not fade during the regular season. They also scored a few sweet tries in the back end of their semi against the Broncos. The Titans had more fastest men in rugby league than they could play, forcing them to hire David Williams to drop one of them.

Season Lowlight: Also unlike their first two seasons, the Titans faded during the post-season. Tragically, this was predicted with 95.8% accuracy by all fans of footy.

Most Valuable Player: Journeyman Mark Minichiello. He’s finally the better Mini, thanks to seven consecutive seasons of shattered vertebrae for his brother Anthony “The Count / Joey Tribbiani / Badly Faded Golden Boot” Minichiello. Mark was a real barometer for his team’s fortunes, in the sense that he carried a column of mercury in his pocket. Honourable mention to Chris Walker for flattening Darren “Paperweight” Lockyer last week. If there was any ever doubt that Lockyer is the most pathetic physical force in the history of rugby league, that was it. Look for him to be ragdolled by a cheerleader as he’s running onto Etihad Stadium this Saturday.

Most Worthless Player: Scott Prince. Two more failed seasons from becoming a journeyman. Although his burden is somewhat lessened by the failures of the Tigers and his SOO nemesis Jonathan Thurston, it is somewhat increased by the knowledge that everyone still loves the Tigers more than the Titans and Thurston more than Prince.

Telling Statistic: Brad Meyer’s facial hair grew at 9mm/week this year, while his head hair grew at 7mm/week.

Quote that sums up their year: Soon to be journeyman coach John Cartwright, before they played the Eels: "I'd love to say after the game 'there's four teams left and we are still there'."
Cartwright sounding hollow after they played the Eels: “There's four teams left and we are still there.”

2010 Outlook: You’d like to think the Titans will parlay their considerable disappointment this year into a stronger performance next year, culminating in a grand final qualifier loss. With development of their rookies and the acquisition of one or two more journeymen, they might just achieve that.

The 47th Point

Jarryd Hayne = Son of God

That's All...

Foxsports yesterday:

Wests Tigers have appointed former Bulldogs coach Steve Folkes as the club's new high performance manager. Folkes, who guided the Bulldogs to the 2004 NRL premiership, will work alongside Tigers head coach Tim Sheens and his assistants Royce Simmons and Peter Gentle.

"Steve brings a wealth of experience to our organisation. His appointment is the start of a new era for Wests Tigers as we step up across all areas in 2010," said Tigers chief executive Stephen Humphreys. Following his departure from the Bulldogs at the end of 2008, Folkes spent time as the strength and conditioning coach of the West Indies cricket team and Sheens said he was the ideal candidate for the role.

"Steve is the man I wanted," Sheens said.

I'll take it from here, Foxsports...

"Well", clarified Sheens, "I actually wanted to get Viv Richards. I think that cricket skills, you know, batting, bowling, sledging, infidelity, are essential in Rugby League. But Viv was unavailable, as were Curtley Ambrose, Richie Richardson and Brian Lara. We almost landed Warnie - he fits perfectly into the Rugby League mold - but he just texted us "back door's open". We also considered Roy Symonds, on the strength of his tackle of the streaker, but we rejected him because the players would be confused at being coached by Roy Symonds and Royce Simmons at the same time. It actually ended up being a close decision between Steve Folkes and Ian Chappell, but we thought that Chappelli might be a bit too lively for the role... but nonetheless, Steve is the man I wanted".

Adding insult to injury

A sight for sore eyes - Matt Utai topless

As Brett Kimmorley returned to training yesterday, the Bulldogs rubbed tasty salt and vinegar into Newcastle's wounds by training in their colours.

"I don't see why we can't," coach Kevin Moore said. "They're out now, so their colours are up for grabs."

NRL Chief David Gallop confirmed an obscure by-law allows a defeated semifinals team's colours to be worn by their vanquisher. "It harks back to the league's primal origins, when the winner would wear the skin of the beaten during their next training run. I've got no problems with what the Dogs have done."

Meanwhile, League HQ reported today that "Bulldogs chief executive Todd Greenberg said the club was satisfied with a $5000 fine imposed on the Knights after his players complained about being badly scratched by an illegal grip pad worn by Newcastle forward Richie Fa'aoso last weekend."

I'll take it from here...

The Knights players had joined the Bulldogs players for a drink after the game at Forresters, when Richie Fa'aoso reportedly lined up several Dogs players against the wall and slapped them in the face while wearing the grip pad. Luke Ricketson could not be reached for comment, though CCTV footage reportedly shows him exfoliating his handsome face with the grip pad later in the evening.

McIntyre Whinge

Now I'm not one to normally have a whinge about League, preferring to leave that to those commentator twits who constantly degrade the game they are trying to promote, but something has just caught my eye.

I've been looking at the McIntyre finals system, trying to figure out what the hell is going on with this week's games and, looking at all the possible opponents for the Bulldogs this final series, I see that there is only one team who it would have been IMPOSSIBLE for the Bulldogs to meet in the Grand Final. Parramatta. That's right pundits, you heard it here first. There is no chance for a Grand Final between Team 2 and Team 8 (nor Team 1 v Team 7). Now I can't see too many people getting up in arms about the lack of opportunity for a Knights v Dragons GF, but Bulldogs v Eels is a grudge match. It's got history! Don't you remember the 80s (1984, eels fans? - and no, I don't remember 1986)? Don't you remember the Superleague/NRL defections? Don't you remember LEAGUE?

So, on behalf of the Dogs, I am issuing a challenge to those worthless, slimy, arse-crack showing, fish-head ripping Eels. Saturday night. Midnight. Behind the Belmore Park grandstands. Winner takes all.

Year in Review - Part X of XVI

It all went horribly wrong for the Sea Eagles this year. They started badly, sputtered along for a while, gained some momentum and looked threatening but it all ended in tears. On the field things weren't much better.

Manly Sea Eagles or champs2chumps2009@yahoo.com

Still looking for a new nickname

Season Highlight: Winning the Club Challenge to round out a stellar 12 months.

Season Lowlight: A Boozy Season Launch (the latest in a string of superb Phrases Brought To You By League) from which they never fully recovered.

Most Valuable Player: DNA Freak Anthony Watmough. He hit a purple patch of form that lasted until the first minute of the Melbourne game. The most feared, revered and genetically mutated forward in the game.

Most Worthless Player: David Williams. The enigmatic winger with a line through his name reached great highs but even greater lows. Was at least able to provide cops with a complete set of Greg Inglis fingerprints.

Telling Statistic: Their top tryscorers were Ben Farrar and David Williams with 11 each. That is weak.

Quote that best sums up their year: Five minutes into the Melbourne-Manly game, League Blog snuck into the coach’s box for a quick chat with Des Hasler. Here’s the transcript and as usual, these are real quotes.
League Blog: Bad luck about the Slater try, at least Smith missed the conversion.
Des Hasler: That is now of no consequence, the game and the points are gone.
LB: Wow, but there’s still 75 minutes to go. Don’t tell me you’re already planning Mad Monday?
DH: I'm pretty sure we're in just as good a place as we were last year.
LB: Well, that’s something. Can you explain the teams’ approach to Mad Monday? I’ve heard you like to wheel out a giant cryogenically preserved woolly mammoth testicle.
DH: You've just got to hold the ball and do the little things that no one likes to do.
LB: I see, that sounds grim. Is it true you and the team’s leadership group have asked David Williams not to participate because he might drop the mammoth testicle?
DH: There are 100 people who will sign sworn statements to back me up.
LB: Ok, ok, I believe you. Finally, can you explain why whenever one of your players has a cold, they start sniffing Jamie Lyon?
DH: Because blokes like Jamie, they never lose the smell of gum leaves.
LB: Fair enough. Ok Des, thanks for your time.

2010 Outlook: All the ingredients are there for the team to return hungry and ready to ensure they finish near the top of the table next year. League Blog also predicts a revamped season launch.

Semis week one - League Blog reflects

The NRL semis have started with a bang (as has the offseason, but more on that in another post), although I've decided what I don't like about the Macintyre system, and why I agree with Richard Branson's $1 million prize for anyone who can explain it simply. It's just not fair to our hard working footballers to expect them to play a game without knowing whether or not it is sudden death. Why else would Anthony "Marty Bella" Watmough have knocked on in the first set of six?

Exhibit 1: Parramatta's Drive By Shooting of the Dragons. The Eels must have read League Blog's Levels of Losing column, because they picked up one of the levels I hadn't, where a team comes into to another's home ground and fills it full of bulletholes. The match also provided some initial hints as to who God wants to win the footy. If Jarry Hayne is really the Second Coming, how far away is the End of Days?

Exhibit 2: Let's call it the League Blog Kiss Of Death. A certain compelling and joyous voice in rugby league claimed that Manly would win it all this year, but the most interesting part of the match ended up being whether Manly could avoid an unfortunate double entendre every time their fans said "40-nil". And is it just me, or did Matty Orford and Billy Slater in an intimate embrace at full-time look like the old Winfield Cup Trophy? (to scale) Jared Waerea Hargreaves looked very good, and must have mixed feelings about leaving Manly, but being already told by Brian Smith via text message that he's not part of the Roosters' plans.

Exhibit 3: The major storyline from the exciting Titans-Broncos game, other than that neither can win the comp, is what injury will keep Dave Taylor sidelined for the season once he joins the Rabbitohs. I vote for club foot. I also worry that the Titans' second half revival could impact on their bouncebackability against the Eels.

Dave Taylor's manager

might want to order a copy

Exhibit 4: The Brut ads. That unco footy kick by the robot gets funnier each time I watch it. And is anyone else slightly creeped out by the bimbo patiently waiting to be vaporised along with a bunch of masculine paraphernalia and turned into man spray?

Another day at the office for Brut robot

Year in Review - Part IX of XVI

Since Joey left, Newcastle has become one of the most bland teams in the comp. With no one left to pass around the party pills, League Blog's commentary will be as interesting as Kurt Gidley's future memoirs.

Knight of the Living Dead

The real reason the Knights lost - Jennifer Hawkins now loves the Bulldogs.

Highlight: Mad Dog's form over the year. Mad Dog officially qualifies for the World Masters Games, but he showed this year he can still match it with the supposed best centres in the game.

Lowlight: Mad Dog's lack of quotes... Gone are the days when Mad Dog would be the first in the news, saying comments like "I'm going to turn Wendell white out there". Now he just toes the official company lines and the League world is poorer for it.

Most Valuable Player: Mad Dog. Not really anyone else since Fish Lips' season went downhill after Origin, where he became the first Blues Captain who's best position was utility.

Most Worthless Player: De Gois... the labels thrown around on Saturday morning were 'brave', 'heroic', and 'dedicated', after Isaac de Gois decided to play with a busted knee. But after lasting just one tackle before sitting out the game on the sideline, the whisper of 'dickhead' went around the League World.

Telling Statistic: Since 2004, the Knights have only won 45% of their games. Many would attribute this to the injury and retirement of Joey Johns. However I think it is a clear result of Jennifer Hawkins leaving their cheerleading ranks, leaving the team with nothing to play for.

Quote that sums up their year: "It's a gamble that we took and one that didn't pay off and hurt us" - Rick Stone could have been talking about de Gois, but it's more likely he's admonishing the Knights board for allowing Smith to go and hiring Rick Stone.

2010 Outlook: With the benefit of a full preseason under Rick Stone, look for the Knights to duplicate their 7th position and first week exit from the playoffs. Also look for Mad Dog to grow a Martin Riggs mullet after big Dell's Roger Murtagh impersonation this year.

Whose redeemer will reign supremer?

Bang a gong, we are on!

I’ve seen so many analyses of which team will prevail in the all-important NRL semi-finals. Some look at head to head records (Roy Masters, you’re last in the Herald tipping comp, we’re not listening to you). Some look at recent streaks. Some look at key injuries. Some look at big name players. All have their merit, but are ultimately worthless and offensive.

Yet they all have something in common.

They fail to take into account the entity that will be deciding each and every match, that is God. Now whether or not you believe in God, you can’t deny that God exists. Daniel Holdsworth’s continued presence in the Bulldogs’ team is proof of it. But seriously, this build up is in dire need of a wind up. So without much more adoing, here’s a look at the religious beliefs of the eight semi-final coaches, as deduced by League Blog.

Wayne Bennett
As everyone knows, Wayne Bennett practises Zen Buddhism, having picked it up from then-Chicago Bulls coach Phil Jackson on a scouting tour of the US in 1991. Jackson was famous for handing out books for players to read while on tour, each with a particular message for that player. Given that Darren Smith was the only Bronco to finish a book Bennett had given him, the mastercoach changed tack at the Dragons and instead arranges for personalised Zen koans to be printed on the back of 4X stubbies handed out to players before big games.

Kevin Moore
Given the Bulldogs are the family club, I can only assume that Coach Moore is a Catholic. I was cruelly deprived of Catholicism as a child, so am unable to speculate as to what the effects on the team will be, although Daniel Holdsworth appears to have an exceptionally well-developed sense of guilt. Moore’s mantra is ‘every tackle is sacred’.

John Cartwright
I’m told Protestants are the only people who work hard, so it’s safe to say the Titans’ coach is one of them. Coach Cartwright’s strong work ethic has been evident since day one, and the poor results are there for all to see. His middle names are Sola Scriptura Leagus.

Craig Bellamy
It’s no secret that Bellyache is an adherent of fire and brimstone Pentecostalism. He’s managed to bring his players along with him on his journey – with the notable exception of Israel Folau - and is known to speak in tongues, mainly to referees.

Des Hasler
The best way to describe Desce would be existentialist with a twist of nihilism. His are truly the eyes of a man who has glimpsed the eternal void. For the last eight years, Des has stared at the same piece of space (about three metres past you and slightly to the left), an extraordinary physical feat which has lead some to incorrectly designate him a Hindu Ascetic. It is commonly believed Manly’s victory last year can be attributed to an attempt by the players to cheer him up.

Ivan Henjak
His hairdo makes this a dead giveaway, Henjak being an adherent of the Hare Krishna movement. He fought a long, bitter but ultimately losing battle with Broncos HR to be allowed to wear robes during games, but can be seen on Wednesday evenings serving vegetarian food to the needy outside ANZ Stadium. In fact, this is where he met Tonie Carroll and convinced him to return to the Broncos squad.

Daniel Anderson
I reckon I can pinpoint the exact moment Anderson became a born again Christian, it was during the Eels tense victory over the Storm on a Monday night eight weeks ago, which launched a big winning streak and the return to form of our Messiah, Jarryd Hayne. Not that he had a choice, new Eels CEO Paul Osborne now requiring all players and staff to convert in a bid to help convince Hayne to remain with the team. Little do they know that Jesus, being from the Middle East, is a Bulldogs supporter.

Rick Stone
Given his late entry to the coaching scene, not much is known about Stone yet. It’s safe to assume he is a nature loving Pagan, like most in the Hunter region. Stone’s views have at times put him at loggerheads with his ageing talisman, Mad Dog McDougall, who worships his own thighs.

Disclaimer (apologies to Kevin Smith)
1. a renunciation of any claim to or connection with; 2. disavowal; 3. a statement made to save one's own ass.

Though it goes without saying, League Blog would like to state that this post is from start to finish a work of comedic fantasy, not to be taken seriously. To insist that any of the preceding is incendiary or inflammatory is to miss our intention and pass judgement; and passing judgement is reserved for God and God alone (this goes for you league pundits too...just kidding). So please before you think about hurting someone over this trifle of a post, remember: even God has a sense of humor. Just look at the Platypus. Thank you and enjoy the blog. P.S. We sincerely apologize to all Platypus enthusiasts out there who are offended by that thoughtless comment about Platypi. We at League Blog respect the noble Platypus, and it is not our intention to slight these stupid creatures in any way. Thank you again and enjoy the blog.

Apology (apologies to Darren Lockyer)
More footage come out yesterday apparently, which proves that League Blog was the blog that made the entirely fictional comments on religion there. If that's the case, League Blog's intentions wouldn't, you know, have been intimidating. If League Blog offended anyone, then League Blog apologises.

Footy cliche tsunami

I can’t believe how many cliches are being trotted out come semi-finals time. Tooley is especially bad at this. He could write his column after a frontal lobotomy. As an experiment, League Blog underwent intense intracranial magnetic stimulation designed to shut down all but the most primitive, league-related parts of the brain. Although comprehensively soiled and twitching profusely, we emerged a few minutes later with this:

The Broncos have class players all over the park and have come good at the right time of year, pushing their worrying midseason form slump to the back of their minds with a string of top notch performances. The Titans are coming off a shaky last start loss to a rampaging Sea Eagles outfit, but have been strong all year, and will be boosted by a strong home crowd at Skilled Park, where they’ve won 11 of 12 this year. In the cauldron of semi-final football it’s likely the match will be won and lost by the team whose halfback cooks the best beef bourbignon. Scott Prince has an outstanding culinary repertoire, but Peter Wallace is known to cook a great range of comfort foods for his croaky-throated halves partner Darren Lockyer. It’s anyone’s game but as luck would have it bookmakers have this match at short odds to be decided by a midweek replay, with both coaches conceding their team cannot win the grand final in 2010.

Spankin' the Rabbit

I have a few things to say about the Taylor v Fa'alogo altercation. Number 1 - what was JT doing picking a fight with a guy who king hit the shit out of Anasta a couple of years ago (ahhh good memories). Number 2 - Fa'alogo's heading to Huddersfield next year, under Coach Nathan Brown (forgotten coaches always end up in England). So he better get used to a slap or two. And Number 3 - what were they doing at Forresters, which is owned by Luke Ricketson, a career player at the Roosters. Have the Rabbitohs forgotten about Russell Crowe's Book of Feuds? Rabbitohs are meant to be a team of tradition and history, inspiring the working class in the inner-south. That's why they've been able to attract such loyal lifelong followers as Snoop Rabbit and Pammy.

NRL Finals Preview

It's been one of the most exciting finishes to a year in ages, thanks to the fluctuating fortunes of top teams and the race for the top eight being wide open well into the last few rounds. Perversely, the total interest and excitement factor can only go down from here - in fact it arguably peaked just before the Tigers and Cowboys were knocked out.

My reasoning is that a big part of the fascination is the number of potential outcomes - simple high school permutations and combinations. As we move forward and more teams are knocked out, less surprises are possible. Obviously this culminates after the grand final, when the last team is knocked out and it's pretty much guaranteed who won - interest drops massively for six months or so after that.

Having said that, we could be looking at the greatest semi-finals in the history of rugby league, should the Dogs win it all.

Here's how League Blog sees the finals shaking out. Obviously we needn't put our reputations on the line by forecasting every single game from here on in, but we're doing it anyway, on the assumption that no one will remember if we're wrong.

Week 1
Dragons and Dogs win, getting the week off. One of those games will be close, the other will be a blowout. The other two games will be tense, see-sawing battles, but I see the Broncs' experience getting them past a slightly nervous Titans in a tight one, and the Sea Eagles edging the Storm in a close but boring game. I hate to agree with Gus but he might be right when he says these two know each other too well for a free flowing and exciting game to eventuate.

Although under an injury cloud, look
for a see-saw to take the field in Week 1

Week 2
Week 1 partners swap, with Sea Eagles playing the Titans and the Broncos playing the Storm. Broncos-Storm should be a cracker, I think these two sides hate each other pretty bad. If only the Zen Master was still coaching in Brisbane, there'd be even more spite. I think the Storm will get up in a tough, merry-go-rounding affair, despite a desperate K Hunt drop punt from 50m out at the siren.

Sea Eagles-Titans should also be good. Titans will bounce back and lay it all on the line, but the Sea Eagles will be finding their groove and should match them. I see the Sea Eagles getting through in a very tight one - possible golden, or at least silver point extra time.

Will the Sea Eagles and Titans be shopping here?

Week 3
My final four is Dragons, Storm, Dogs and Sea Eagles. I think the Storm are a big chance, but will tip the Dragons to buck history and not choke at the penultimate stage.Let's say 10 point winners in a slippery-dipping contest, with Inglis to disappear at crucial moments, including during the game. I'm not sure which Dragons player will be suspended for the grand final, but I'll go with one of their second rowers - let's say Creagh.

Could a suspension be in the air?

A brief interlude on tipping before I get into the Dogs-Sea Eagles game. I've slowly come round to the rule that you never tip against your team. It makes watching games awkward, plus the Dogs have won every time we've tipped against them this year. I am going to bust out of this for the GF qualifier though, and tip the Sea Eagles. It pains me greatly to say that - hang on, I've just inhaled some nitrous oxide, it's okay I can't feel anything now. I get the feeling the Dogs just aren't quite up to making the grand final this year. I can't quite explain why. They've probably suffered the smallest form slump out of any team (I suppose that is still open at the moment), and have shown the ability to win games despite giving opponents a head start (see Cowboys, Souths games). But they just haven't quite convinced me they're premiership material. Which obviously is their number one task, above preparing for their game against the Knights. Sea Eagles to win by 7.

One of many sad bulldog pictures
available at Google images

Week 4
What a grand final! What match-ups! Zen Master versus Hindu Ascetic. Soward vs Foran. Young vs Ballin. Although I hate both teams, it will be good to watch just knowing that one of them will suffer horribly by the end of this game. If Manly lose, that's two losses from three grand finals and surely a hop skip and jump from coming last next year. If the Dragons lose, they add to their impressive record of choking, and Wayne Bennett loses his grand final mojo. I think the Dragons will lose, badly. Not as badly as last year mind you. Manly to win 39 nil.

Happy Father's Day dad - I tipped Manly

Year in Review - Part VIII of XVI

Well ... the finalists are decided and we move onto the last season wrap up of the regular season losers. And despite the temptation to treat the Panthers like the Raiders, I've decided to treat the westies with a bit more respect.

2009: Year of the Panther Cub

Highlight: Having some razzle dazzle for the first time since 1991 (2003 wasn't a razzle dazzle team) - the introduction of young, small, quick players ignited some spark in the team.

Lowlight: That spark being doused by old, big, quick players in the opposing teams.

Most Valuable Player: Petero Civoniceva and Trent Waterhouse get the nods here... Petero, because the Panthers' season crashed as soon as he was injured and Waterhouse because everytime you see a game he is busting his gut. He invokes the spirit of Martin Lang, without the head movements.

Most Worthless Player: Sammut - looking like Jason Akermanis will only get you so far... He tries hard, but the one-on-one in goal strip by Luke Burt a couple of weeks ago summed up his year (when push comes to shove, he hasn't got the balls). Especially given that Luke Burt would struggle opening a bag of chips.

Telling Statistic: Looking at try-scorers, Michael Jennings scored an admirable 17 tries in the season. However, tied second were Frank Pritchard and Brad Tigh on 6 each... So basically, if you could shut down Jennings, you could be fairly certain that no one else would step up and take some pressure off. The only teams with less players in the top 50 try scorers were ... well none, although Roosters and Warriors were just as bad. Now let's compare that to a team with real premiership potential... In the top 10 try scorers Bulldogs had Morris (3rd), Goodwin (4th), and Hazem (7th).

Telling Statistic # 2: To prove to Hammertime that I've done my homework, got another one. Panthers were criticised all year for not committing themselves to their defence - the sign of a lazy team says Gus "No No No No No No No" Gould. And by conceding the greatest number of line breaks per game (5.6), which culminated with them losing 35-0 in the playoff for the playoffs, the Panthers showed they just couldn't be arsed.

Quote that sums up their year: "If Walshy gets tied up in it, he is going to have a big size 11.5 and I'm going to introduce it to his backside." Matt Elliott warns Luke Walsh what would happen if he got too concerned over playing his old club, and also says hello to the ladies.

2010 Outlook: With Matt Elliott's contract extended on the basis of the Panther's improvement over the last three years (they've gone from 16th, to 12th, to 11th), look for them to move up into 10th place in 2010.

Hasler mystified by Titans' outsider status

Also spotted in MX was an article about the Sea Eagles - Titans game. I'll take it from here, MX...

Des (pronounced 'Desce') Hasler is mystified by Gold Coast's outsider status as a premiership threat. "I don't see why people are writing them off, saying they don't have what it takes to make a grand final, let alone win the comp, that they're a boring, uninspiring, one dimensional team whose top gear is second."

Des immediately after Manly's grand final win

"I really couldn't tell you why some people say that they're essentially a joke in the eyes of the fans, the media but most importantly, the players and coaches. I just don't get it. We'll be treating them with the respect they deserve on Saturday night."

Morris twins vying for pride, beer

Reading MX yesterday, I came across an article which needed very little rewriting from League Blog.

A carton of Corona will spark a crosstown sibling shootout tomorrow night, as the Morris brothers vie for tryscoring supremacy. Josh and Brett each stand on 19 tries, 2 behind injured Tigers tank Taniela Tuiaki. But brotherly bragging rights are of much greater importance, especially with a carton of Mexico’s finest on the line.

Sweet, sweet beer

“Finishing top tryscorer means utterly nothing to me,” Bulldog Josh said on Thursday. “I just want to beat Brett.” For his part, Brett said he would be “praying to God that little s.o.b. doesn’t win. Hopefully he’ll blow out an ACL or be diagnosed with some non-genetic disorder that rules him out of the game altogether.”

Also in the running is Dogs winger Bryson Goodwin, who has 19 tries but was suspiciously tryless playing outside Morris against the Warriors.

The Dogs can seal the minor premiership tonight with a win, a stunning turnaround from last year’s wooden spoon. Bulldogs CEO Todd Greenberg is in negotiations with David Gallop to have the NRL chief present the JJ Giltinan Shield and the carton of Coronas together, should events pan out in the Dogs’ favour.

The consolation prize

“The Bulldogs are in the box seat so it’s reasonable for us to bring the shield and case to the SFS,” Gallop said. If things change, Slippery and I will head over to Jubilee, though I can’t guarantee there’ll be many Coronas left by the time we get there.”

Year in Review - Part VII of XVI

Yes, it's in violation of bylaw 7(ii) of League Blog's Year in Review Regulations, but I had to post the Tigers obit before the Cowboys, as it contains a reference to this weekend's games. Could I have just omitted the reference? No, I could not. Moving on, the Tigers have been very much an everyman's team. Let's take a look at their season.

Wests Tigers: A Strange Consistency

Robbie Farah's pre-game ritual

Highlight: A late season surge that had everyone looking forward to them making the finals for the first time since 2005.
Lowlight: Not making the finals.
Most Valuable Player: Benji “Reconstructive Surgery” Marshall. He’s so exciting, he’s like a surprise party and a free chocolate bar rolled into one.
Most Worthless Player: John Morris. Someone has to take the blame and it’s sure as hell not Tim Sheens’ fault.
Telling Statistic: The Tigers were the third-most exciting team to watch in the history of rugby league (behind the 1994 Raiders and the 2009 Sharks) but the fourth most inconsistent (behind the 2006, 2007 and 2008 Tigers). This brings me to my main point. The standard line on the Tigers (and Raiders and Rabbitohs) is that they are too inconsistent. Gee, on their day they can beat anyone, just look at those top four scalps. But then they ruin it all by losing to the worst team. They just need to rub out the inconsistency from their game. A few well-seasoned vets, some luck with injuries, and they’ll really make some noise. League Blog asks you, if a team has played the same way every year for the last four years with exactly the same results, shouldn’t we be calling this a model of consistency? The problem with the Tigers isn’t that they’re inconsistent, it’s that they’re crap. But gee they’re good to watch.
Quote that sums up their year: "We're a better team than we have been in the last three years, and we want to prove that.” Benji and Co have done just that, moving from 10 wins and 14 losses (2006) to 11 and 13 (2007) to 11 and 13 (2008) to 11 and 12 (2009). See? One less loss that last year. Hang on, there’s still one week to go. Ok Tigers, if you can beat the Dogs, then by any reasonable measure you’ll have proved you’re a better team than the last three years.
2010 Outlook: Tuiaki will peak, thus continuing the eery parallels between his and Matt Utai’s careers, Benji’s left shoulder will explode in Round 5, Tim Sheens will get signed to a 3 year extension, Robbie Farah will join David Williams on the SOO blacklist, the Tigers will be the most exciting team to watch (and play against) and they will lose in the last week to miss out on the semis.

Year in Review - VI of XVI

The hustlers of the NRL, the Cowboys have convinced many an innocent tipster that they can actually win big games. But sadly, unlike Midnight Cowboy, the punters are usually left unfulfilled.


League Blog feels the need to balance the next picture

North Queensland Midnight Cowboys

Highlight: Being the only team to beat the Titans at home, the Cowboys showed their potential to challenge the best teams.

Lowlight: Being considered underdogs in their final game against the Roosters.

Most valuable Player: Thurston. The guy is magic with the ball, and Cowboys can't win without him.

Most worthless player: In a slight case of schizophrenia, I am going to also go with JT... Thurston is one of the most chronic 'missed-tacklers' of the NRL, averaging 5 missed-tackles per game over the season. And importantly, in games that Thurston has missed 5 or more tackles, the Cowboys have won 2 from 9. Surprisingly, Kimmorley has missed more tackles than JT, but due to the fact that the Dogs have a more balanced team, other players step up and fill the gap. The Cowboys are so over-reliant on JT that they have no back-up plans when he fails in attack, and don't even back up his known soft defence. Thurston has also made the most errors in his team, and given away the most penalties. But having said all that, I'd still love to see him back at the Bulldogs. They could have Holdsworth - no chance of over-reliance there.

Telling statistic: Thurston is the main kicker at the Cowboys, having kicked 193 times over the season to gain 5211 metres, which my accountant tells me is exactly 27 m per kick. Rovelli has kicked 61 times averaging about 33 metres per kick, while Bowen has kicked 59 times averaging about 35 m per kick. Matthew Scott, however, despite having played as many games as JT, has kicked once for a gain of 50 metres. I know he's a prop, but give him the ball on the 5th more often, goddamit.

Quotes that sum up their year: "It really protects you from getting cuts and nicks and there have been a few times there that I would have been split open had I not been wearing it. For me it helps a lot." Johnathon Thurston's three year, reputed $2m sponsorship deal from Trojan Condoms was a bright spot in an otherwise gloomy year.

2010 Outlook: With Bowen already out until the second-half of 2010, things are looking down. But I have a hunch that a reversal of fortune lies with the coach. Neil Henry should obviously change his name to Henry Neil to get the ball rolling.

Levels of Losing

Hammertime is not ashamed to profess his deep indebtedness to the Sports Guy, who writes some great columns for ESPN. Yes, I shamelessly rip him off from time to time. A while back he wrote a great column on levels of losing, something all sports fans can relate to. That’s right, a loss is not a loss is not a loss. Some are simply more painful than others.

SG defines 16 levels of losing, each more painful than the next, and he follows them with a personal memory or definitive example. I encourage you to read the whole article, even if you don’t get all the US sports references. If you can’t be arsed, what I’m gonna do is, y’see I’m gonna take some of those levels and include my own personal memory or example. In writing this I quickly realised that there’s a lot of games I’ve either forgotten or never saw that would fit these categories – I’d love to hear examples from readers.

Level XVI: The Princeton Principle
Sports Guy Definition: When a Cinderella team hangs tough against a heavy favorite, but the favorite somehow prevails in the end (like Princeton almost toppling Georgetown in the '89 NCAAs). ... This one stings because you had low expectations, but those gritty underdogs raised your hopes. ... Also works for boxing, especially in situations like Balboa-Creed I ("He doesn't know it's a damn show! He thinks it's a damn fight!"). ... The moment that always sucks you in: in college hoops, when they show shots of the bench scrubs leaping up and down and hugging each other during the "These guys won't go away!" portion of the game, before the collapse at the end.

Hammertime’s Personal Memory: 1998 grand final. The bulldogs came from NINTH position on the ladder – it was a 20 team comp that year – to make the grand final, including famous back to back, come from behind victories over the Knights and Eels to get there. They were massive underdogs heading into the grand final, but somehow they made it to half time with a 12-10 lead. Even Fatty was a believer, telling the audience that he thought the Dogs would have enough. As it turns out, they didn’t, leaking 28 points in the second half to go down 38-12. The next time the Dogs leaked that many points to the Broncos in the second half of a big game hurt a lot more actually…

Level XIV: The Alpha Dog
Sports Guy Definition: It might have been a devastating loss, but at least you could take solace that a superior player made the difference in the end. ... Unfortunately, he wasn't playing for your team. ... You feel more helpless here than anything. ... For further reference, see any of MJ's games in the NBA Finals against Utah ('97 and '98).

Hammertime’s Best Example: Joey Johns taking Newcastle to titles in 1997 and 2001. Man, they have to hurt Manly and the Eels bad, but just a smidgen of that pain is lessened by knowing an Immortal was on the other side.

Level IX: The Full-Fledged Butt-Kicking
Sports Guy Definition: Sometimes you can tell right away when it isn't your team's day. ... And that's the worst part, not just the epiphany but everything that follows -- every botched play; every turnover; every instance where someone on your team quits; every "deer in the headlights" look; every time an announcer says, "They can't get anything going"; every shot of the opponents celebrating; every time you look at the score and think to yourself, "Well, if we score here and force a turnover, maybe we'll get some momentum," but you know it's not going to happen, because you're already 30 points down. ... You just want it to end, and it won't end. ... But you can't look away. ... It's the sports fan's equivalent to a three-hour torture session.

Hammertime’s Personal Memory: 1994 grand final, Bulldogs versus Raiders. Starting with Marty Bella’s knock on from the kick off, this game got away from the Dogs very quickly. Icing on the cake was Mal Meninga taking an intercept, blowing past Jarrod McCracken and strolling over to seal the deal. Final score: 36-12.

Best Example: Two words: 40-nil. The FFBK has cropped up a few times in grand final qualifiers, which can be incredibly tense, sometimes more so than a grand final. Something about them brings out the best and worst in teams. 28-nil and 29-nil have special meaning to Sharks and Parramatta fans respectively.

Level VIII: The "This Can't Be Happening"
Sports Guy Definition: The sibling of the Full-Fledged Butt-Kicking. ... You're supposed to win, you expect to win, the game is a mere formality. ... Suddenly your team falls behind, your opponents are fired up, the clock is ticking and it dawns on you for the first time, "Oh, my God, this can't be happening."

Hammertime’s Best Example: Although it was part Alpha Dog, the Eels grand final loss to the Knights back in 2001 was mostly “This Can’t Be Happening”. I won’t say any more for fear of inducing a relapse into depression among Eels fans. Honourable mention to 2006 Storm grand final loss to the Broncos.

Level VI: The Broken Axle
Sports Guy Definition: When the wheels come flying off in a big game, leading to a complete collapse down the stretch. ... This one works best for basketball, like Game 3 of the Celtics-Nets series in 2002, or Game 7 of the Blazers-Lakers series in 2000. ... You know when it's happening because (A) the home crowd pushes their team to another level, and (B) the team that's collapsing becomes afflicted with Deer-In-The-Headlitis. ... It's always fascinating to see how teams bounce back from The Broken Axle Game. ... By the way, nobody has been involved in more Broken Axle Games than Rick Adelman.

Sports Guy’s Best Example: I hate bringing golf into this, because it isn't a team sport, but remember the Masters tournament when Greg Norman blew the six-stroke lead to Nick Faldo, then ended up losing by, like, five strokes? That was the all-time Broken Axle moment. Plus, writing a "Levels of Losing" column and not mentioning Greg Norman would have been almost sacrilege.

Hammertime’s Personal Memory: 2006 grand final qualifier, Dogs versus Broncos. The Bulldogs had only won the title two years earlier, and though they bombed in 2005 (it’s amazing how many champions suffer a hangover like that) they stormed back in ‘06. Brisbane meanwhile were in the middle of a terrible playoff losing streak – sure they’d made the semis the last five years, but they had something like a 2 and 10 record in that time. So the Dogs come out at their most pumped up, something Steve Folkes had a knack for once every 15 games or so, and completely smash the Broncos. They’re winning 20-6 and just before halftime, they spread the ball wide, Patten heads for the corner… but the play dies. That’s ok, us Bulldogs fans thought. 26-6 would have been nice, I’ll still take 20-6 in a grand final qualifier. About 2 minutes into the second half the Dogs finished a bad set with a weak kick downfield, taken by Justin Hodges. The kick chase line was nonexistent, Hodges tore through and either scored himself or passed it to someone else. From that moment on, this game had an inevitability about it. Incredible, we were still up by 8 with the GRAND FINAL waiting for us, and we knew we were gonna lose. Final score: 37-20. To make matters worse, the Broncos then won the grand final. I don’t care what people say about satisfaction in having the team that beat you becoming eventual champs – I want them to crash and burn.

Level III: The Stomach Punch
Sports Guy Definition: Now we've moved into rarefied territory, any roller-coaster game that ends with (A) an opponent making a pivotal (sometimes improbable) play or (B) one of your guys failing in the clutch. ... Usually ends with fans filing out after the game in stunned disbelief, if they can even move at all. ... Always haunting, sometimes scarring. ... There are degrees to The Stomach Punch Game, depending on the situation. ... For instance, it's hard to top Cleveland's Earnest Byner fumbling against Denver when he was about two yards and 0.2 seconds away from sending the Browns to the Super Bowl.

Hammertime’s Recent Example: Although I don’t care for either team, it’s hard not to feel sorry for the way the Broncos exited the semis last year. They were leading the Storm with about two minutes to go, and had the ball right on the Storm’s line. Don’t forget, the Storm had lost the week before to the Warriors, the very first time a top seed lost to an eight seed – and it was right at the death. They looked like being the first top seed to die in the arse, and it was going to be to the team that upset them in the grand final in 2006. Getting back to the game, Ashton Sims drops the ball, the Storm work it downfield and calm as you like Greg Inglis slides over in the corner, sealing the win. That’s gotta hurt.

Another example that comes to mind was the Kangaroos beating the British Lions over there a few years back. We’d looked bad all series, and were losing in the dying seconds. I think the hooter might have even blown, but the Aussies threw about a thousand passes, Lockyer was heavily involved, and they scored to win and claim the series. England knew then that fate was against them.

Hammertime’s Personal Memory: Bulldogs Eels grand final qualifier, 1998. The Dogs came back from 16 points down with 10 minutes remaining to win in extra time. This game had too many good moments. Dogs diving over in the corner in the dying stages to get within two points. Halligan converting a kick from the sideline under more pressure than any kick Hazem El Masri’s ever had. Paul Carige inexplicably kicking the ball as the siren sounded, leading to Craig Polla Mounter’s incredible almost-field goal from 50 metres out. Honestly, by that point both teams knew Canterbury was going to win, and they ended up scoring two tries in extra time to seal the deal.

Finally, I was tempted to throw in my own level of losing – The Revenge – but I realised that this is more a level of winning than losing. The Revenge is when you lose to someone in a crucial game but then turn the tables and return the favour on an equally grand stage. It’s accompanied by the horrible feeling that your team could be beaten in a big game two times in a row, something damn near impossible to recover from (see St George, 1992/93). The two biggest Revenge’s I can think of in recent times are Manly’s thrashing of Melbourne in last years grand final, juuuuust compensating for their loss in the previous year’s decider, and the Bulldogs’ victory over the Roosters in 2004, after losing the previous year’s grand final qualifier but equally importantly, the title they thought would be theirs in 2002. So very, very sweet.